OPINION: Congratulations, You’re Still Alive…For Now

Congratulations. Assuming you haven’t spent the last five years constructing a pressurized underground bunker, then we’ve got good news.

We’re still alive!

You’re one of but a few billion people those bunker-dwelling folks had assumed would collectively bite the dust on December 21st.

So, breathe easy. Unless of course you spent the last 24 hours elbows-deep in apocalypse-inspired vice and are suffering a painful combination of shame and dehydration, wondering “where are my socks, and…what the hell was in that cookie?”

As for our underground brothers and sisters, just let them be. They spent a lot of resources on water-recycling systems, and have a LOT of canned goods to get through, so best we allow them to get their money’s worth before breaking the news.

If you weren’t in the loop to begin with, and are still scratching your head over all the inexplicable office hook-ups yesterday, let’s bring you up to speed.

A few (thousand) years ago, there were these folks called ‘Mayans.’ They ate a lot of corn, and had a calendar. Like most calendars, it stopped after a certain number of pages (or in this case, limestone.)

Tikal, a Mayan temple-pyramid.

Lacking internet access, they had better things to do than worry about the end of time. They were more concerned with the best time for planting things. Did we mention corn?

The Mayan calendar is apparently quite nifty, and really complex. People who read books explain 2012 as sort of the Mayan equivalent to a new millennium.

Here in modern times, corn is still totally huge, but we’ve gotten so good at growing it, we’re more concerned with the ‘end of the world.’ When is it, and how much do those bunkers cost? Will there at least be a party?

For a few people waking up in metal tubes today, seeing the sun still rising in the east will be a disappointment. But they should take heart and be proud, for here in Hawaii, we have our own little apocalyptic secret, right under our feet.

At the December 5 meeting of the American Geophysical Union, researchers announced they had evidence of past ‘Megatsunamis’ in Hawaii.

These 1,000 foot monsters apparently happen every 100,000 years when large pieces of our islands fall into the ocean or shift undersea. One chunk of rock that popped off the island of Oahu was apparently the size of Manhattan.

The landslide-induced super waves seem to happen when the climate is warming, and sea levels are rising. But are we due for another? While the odds of it happening in our lifetime aren’t great, the apocalypse-hungry will be thrilled to know the last mega-wave happened about 100,000 years ago.

Surfs up!