OPINION: The Sex Files – Big Island Sidewalk Edition

After two Kailua-Kona residents started copulating on the sidewalk in front of a Kaiwi Street business, onlookers dialed police for help.

It’s unclear what lottery system was used at the police department to determine who had the honor of responding to the call, but law enforcement did show up and arrest the pair, although not before being spat on. Perhaps a fire hose would have been more effective.

Maybe this is the best way to respond to public sex offenses. Image courtesy the Merit Network.

In any case, a few weeks later the male member of this dynamic duo was at it again, this time in Hilo. After scoring in daylight on a Bayfront soccer field, 35-year-old Dylan Trask received a maximum 30 day prison sentence for public lewdness.

But the PDA (public display of affection) didn’t end there. Last week, another pair in their mid 30s were arrested after fornicating in front of a homeless shelter in West Hawaii.

Low-budget lovers still have plenty of options before being forced to strip down publicly. These folks could have easily snuck into a nearby forest, or at least a public bathroom.

But more importantly, what’s with all the impromptu public indecency on the Big Island?

Getting these people off the streets before they get off on the streets should be up there on the list of priorities. If this continues, we may have some explaining to do to our tourists, or worse, our keiki.

We’ve spent millions of dollars over many decades crafting our state’s image as the world’s premier destination for casual, PG-13 voyeurism, like that seen on the David Hasselhoff tour-de-force, “Baywatch Hawaii.”

Here in the islands, we peddle countless posters, calendars, and postcards that all say “come hither. We’re fit and mildly aroused” without actually violating any FCC regulations.

This is about as explicit as most family vacations should ever get.

People may pay to see humpbacks mate, but they expect the sensuality to stay out-to-sea.

In order to end this bizarre Big Island scourge, we may need to look beyond Western, European sensibilities and instead take a brief journey eastward.

To Singapore, for instance. Their clean streets, low crime rates, and orderly public disposition may all lead back to their no-nonsense penal code. Sexual transgressions are one of approximately 30 offenses punishable by an aggressive, painful caning.

If corporal punishment isn’t your thing, then let’s at least lighten up on law enforcement when they decide to use mace in these situations. And while we’re at it, let’s add some girth to our “public lewdness” law, so that people choosing to violate our eyeballs get to spend a little more time in a jail cell, out of the public view. Or, a summary sentence of the aforementioned fire hose while the act is in progress could also work.

Our County Council is perfectly adept at drafting oddball legislation, and this may be their chance to really shine.

Get creative, guys.