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OPINION: Introducing the Hawaiian Magic Mike… Um, Idea

July 10, 2012, 1:31 PM HST
* Updated July 10, 5:12 PM
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This weekend, while Spider Man was swinging across movie screens all over America, millions of women were flocking to theaters to see a different kind of superhero.

His name is Magic Mike, and he wears slightly less fabric.

Inspired by the real-life sexcapades of its star (Channing Tatum), the film Magic Mike tells the tale of a male stripper who longs to start a custom furniture business.

While there isn’t much actual on-screen woodworking, the movie is loaded with six pack abs and killer dance moves. Like the body fat of its stars, the film’s production expenses were impressively lean, costing only $7 million to make.

The Amazing Spider Man. Image courtesy of the New York Film Academy.

Despite the modest girth of its budget, Magic Mike has managed to grind out over $70 million during two weeks at the box office. By contrast, Spidey cost Columbia Pictures over $220 million. Of course, “Mike” didn’t benefit from digital enhancement.

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If you’re wondering what on earth any of this has to do with Hawaii, have patience. This phenomenon offers insights into how we could simultaneously boost tourism and achieve gender equality.

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Oahu has long benefited from clothing-optional dance venues, with wide-eyed tourists raining thousands of dollars every weekend onto professional entertainers. It’s time we took a clue from our capital, and put some of our physical assets to work.

We need to legalize strip clubs. Specifically, only male strip clubs.

Image courtesy of The University of Southern California.

The outer islands are a niche visitor market, and we have to carefully target our audience. Let the Honolulu clubs cater to sailors and Asian businessmen. We need to make a name for ourselves as the bachelorette party capital of the world.

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Now guys, before you start calling the ACLU with your gender discrimination complaints, put the phone down and think about this.

With a high percentage of unemployed men in Hawaii, we could use a new industry. And frankly, with obesity rates on the rise, new incentives to stay fit couldn’t hurt us.

What’s more, guys here are constantly complaining about a lack of single women. So, what could possibly be wrong with throngs of ladies roaming our streets after a long night of fun and frolic?

And let’s face it, wives and girlfriends are way too smart to ever let female strippers set their heels on stage here. Like Gandhi, we men are going to have to show some patience and grace. Besides, do guys really want to sit in a room with dozens of other lonely, sweaty dudes, all throwing money at a couple of women who have no interest in them?

Just stand back calmly and let the ladies have their fun. By promoting a little female empowerment, men here may find themselves just a little less lonely.

After all, luring women to our islands is a job best left to hardened professionals.

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